Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
