dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
