soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
