i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
