So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
