I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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