Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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