Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
