clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Actions speak louder than pants.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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