I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
