So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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