Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
