Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
