I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
