make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
