Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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