i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
