Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
