it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
