Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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