I should be sponsored by Trojan
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
