At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
