You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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