WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
