You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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