some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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