I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
