Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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