i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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