I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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