tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
