I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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