I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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