Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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