you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
