I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
