Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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