Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
