im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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