i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
