i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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