So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
