First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
