I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
