she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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