Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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