Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A bitchslap is in order.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize