FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize