Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
