I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
