Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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