Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
