Jerry, you need to find god
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
