Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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