My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
