You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
